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's u r f t h e e u s t o n w a v e'


"all universal moral principles are idle fancies." - discuss.

saw a one-eyed dog today. it reminded me of a cyclopic canine i met some years ago, strangely enough the dog in question was astonishingly good at football, tackling, dribbling, the lot; depth perception or not.

ladies and gentleman, i give you an 'open sandwich':

sandwich my arse. this culinary travesty was brought to my attention over the weekend. the chambers english dictionary describes a sandwich as: "any sort of food between two slices of bread", now call me picky but the above photo is not a sandwich but a lowly 'shamwich'. and while we're on the subject, is as shepherd's pie really a pie?

went down to brighton to visit label-mate andrew liles at the weekend and had the pleasure(?) of seeing the cheeky girls (www.cheeky-girls.com) perform 'live' (that is to say mime to a backing track and dance a bit before screaming "weee love yoooooz" and fucking off offstage). the crowd lapped it up like retards (like?). standards people, standards. thankfully we left before atomic kitten came on but not before photographing andrew standing beside something called an andy-loo.

it's too darn hot.

my father informed me yesterday that my hair made me look like shane richie: www.hootie16.freeserve.co.uk (light entertainer turned actor, currently in eastenders -apparently). i think we can all agree that this comment constitutes child abuse.

this morning i received spam telling me it could help me prevent spam. i ask you.

i heartily recommend you track down a copy of 'the death of sweet mister' by daniel woodrell, a small, beautifully written book that creeps up on you like a mugger in slippers. read it.

three packets of wine gums in two days. i ate the first because i like wine gums. i ate the second from pure gluttony. the third packet started out as an exercise in self-control but quickly deteriorated into 'how many of these babies can i fit into my mouth at once'. i admit it, i have a problem. i am a gum-o-holic.

legend has it that there is a 'wave' on euston road. my good friend michael informs me that if you leave a traffic light as it turns green and then drive at a steady 30 mph, you should, so the theory goes, meet nothing but green lights the entire length of the euston road. but can this be true?

ok, ok. so i went to glastonbury. but in my defence i was working there so... what was i working as? trust me, you wouldn't believe me if i told you. these things i learnt while there:

[a] camping is fucking rubbish - you may go to sleep in a freezing cold tent but as the damn sun rises it will soon turn into a sweltering hot house.
[b] being greeted with the excrement of others every morning is something i can do without - call me picky but there you are.
[c] i hate the sun (in fact, god damn it) - and i've a keen feeling that it hates me right back.

a great night last sunday. the mighty oxbow (www.theoxbow.com) came out to play again, perhaps as part of some kind of rock and roll care in the community scheme, who knows? the gig was, of course, great and not without incident: eugene, half naked as ever, climbs into the audience. irritating drunken fool 'bothers' him, thinking it's all very amusing. eugene punches drunken fool. drunken fool goes flying. drunken fool's pint soaks the front row. eugene throws the mic stand. crowd retreats hurriedly. mr. roast, the venerable gude and myself laugh heartily. later in the gig eugene coaxes the crowd to get closer to the stage: "you guys can get close again, i think i'm done punching him." on the way home, after the venerable gude cheeses it for the c2, mr. roast and i indulge in a rather nice kebab each, which i purchase (i'm under the strong impression that the man behind the counter thought we were a couple). i walk home munching, get in only to find point blank starring lee marvin starting on turner classic movies. fan-tas-tic. what an evening.

tired? fed up? what you need is stories about deceased rock and roller roy orbison being wrapped in clingfilm, this'll perk you up: http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/karl.htm

kidney stone update: after waiting for a dog's age at the stone clinic this week, following yet another x-ray, a new urine sample and a blood test, i was finally handed two huge five litre cartons. these cartons constitute a forty eight hour urine test. i have to fill the first one (with a red label) during the first twenty four hours and the second (no red label) in the twenty four hours after that. i must not under any circumstances piss directly into the red label carton but must decant said urine from a jug. this is because the red label carton has a small amount of extremely strong acid inside it which, should i piss direct, may cause splashback and possible penile damage. the red label in question reads: "caution. contains strong acid. use in accordance with instructions provided. corrosive. keep upright away from children." um...

recommended: (audio) inside a car inside an automated carwash / (comestible) chicken pakoras -from the hasina, eastwood / (visual) female peanut smugglers / (sensorial) full to the brim with curry

reviled: (audio) the phone ringing / (comestible) diet coke / (visual) bulging midriffs that shouldn't be on public show / (sensorial) the excrement of others