0 9 / 0 6 / 0 7:
'c e r e a l k i l l e r c l o w n s'

 

"every man has inside himself a parasitic being who is acting not at all to his advantage."

- william s. burroughs

i have often been heard to say that a society can be judged by the free gifts in its breakfast cereals. now if this is true, and not just something stupid and flippant i've been known to say, then hostess elisabeth's latest box of kellog's rice krispies stands as little more than a sad indictment of the state of this, our nation, the land of eng. promoting the new shrek film, 'shrek the third', the cereal is giving away... a small plastic ogre? a small plastic donkey? cardboard cut out castle? no. on the back of the box is something called a 'shrektastic word search'. that's it. pa-fucking-thetic. what is breakfast time without a choking hazard? pah, i tell you, it wasn't like this in my day.

this man bet william hill that he'd reach 100. he did. 25 grand the richer, i heard him interviewed on the radio and while i didn't catch everything he said, i did hear part of his recipe for a long life: "keep breathing" and "try not to fall over". yeah. thanks for that. i'll get right on it.

the cat's dandruff has come back. with a vengeance. and now further, non-shaved, bald patches have appeared. maybe she's transmogrifying into a mexican hairless... or a lizard; she's clearly as mad as a nail whichever it is. o, and she's lost her voice too. i mean, i knew she was a big cat but a little hoarse? boom boom.

an observation: young people 'high five' too much. much, much too much.

this amuses me a great deal. my favourite quote is from the reverend wu chi-wai: "if there is rape mentioned in the bible, it doesn't mean it encourages those activities... it's just common sense" o? it doesn't? it is?! a great quote to throw back at the religious moral crusaders who try and ban any book, film, or artwork that contains violent or 'unsavoury' imagery; that and the idea of a reverend using the term 'common sense' is hysterically funny.

while discussing the work of james joyce and virginia woolf, my lecturer said the following: "joyce may say ____, where woolf..." at which point i had to interrupt her with "i'm sorry, you confused me when you said werewolf".

a phrase: 'happiness writes white' -discuss.

the p&m law of sex: whatever you can imagine, right now someone somewhere is doing it to someone else... or themselves.

a bizarre image received in spam: um, no idea what this is all about; or indeed what the word is after the word 'cock'. geek? seek? neither of which makes any more sense than the other. answers on a postcard.

one of my lecturers has a favourite phrase, she likes to say "it's an interesting space". likes this phrase. likes it a lot. last lesson i kept a tally, she said it, or a version of it, eleven fucking times.

how bad can university be? #217:
how bad can university be when during one of the lessons the lecturer utters the words "the bishop is even more flexible"?

searching jstor i found a paper entitled 'speculative fiction and black lesbians', also one called 'the flaw in the centre: writing as hymenal rupture in virginia woolf's work'. it would seem that millie tant is alive and well and writing academic papers.

y'know fame is a funny old thing. this week i met a man whose friend once spat in robbie williams' food. hello magazine here i come... "fame, makes a man think things over, fame makes him loose and hard to swallow..."

i think i may have offended my poetry lecturer. she asked if any of us could come up with an example of an iambic pentameter. i said

"i wish that you would kindly fuck right off"

which went down like the proverbial shit sandwich. "i think we'd best save that one for after the watershed" she said, ashen-faced. um, a poetry teacher afraid of language? my suggestion for a trochaic form didn't please her any more: "standing on the table nude".

fellow student update:
* 20 yr old sandy tells me that we have exactly the same sense of humour and yet i hate everything and he likes everything. he then asks if my cynicism is what he's got to look forward to with age.
* in a poetry lesson the following quote is given from a stevie smith poem: "a strong explosion in the sky". "so," pipes up leon, "like lockerbie then".
* after one drink too many i put my sunglasses on upside down and say "dennis taylor", surprisingly this gets a laugh but when i ask if anyone has the slightest idea who dennis taylor is sandy replies no, "but i was just hoping it was someone with an upside down face".

is it me or is this the laziest, most fucking ridiculous thing you've ever seen? just how stupid and lazy are the public given that this exists? how stupid? how lazy? very, that's how. don't act so surprised.

ummm... so now you know what to ask for for christmas.

how bad can university be? #611:
how bad can university be when in one lesson i got to a) handcuff someone, b) play non's 'force' at high volume in a dark room lit only by a strobe light and c) accidentally stab someone in the back with a pair of scissors

ladies and gentlemen, vacuuming your deaf cat.

in a strange case of what appears to be some kind of technological solidarity, first the video card in my pc goes tits aloft, then the fucking monitor. a new (nicely flat) monitor is purchased, to which i've reattached the red dog beer bottle cap i got years ago while visiting jobless jon in japan (only then he was jobful jon in america) from the old monitor to the new:


and suddenly it's properly mine.

...of course now i hear that jobless jon in japan is now jobful jon in japan, having been given gainful, if very possibly ungainly, employment by fred. shouldn't some sort of announcement have been made?

and speaking of announcements, something of a death knell.

boy would i like to muck around with this thing.

hostess elisabeth was recently roped in to being her new nephew's godmother, which, rather alarmingly, she enjoyed a great deal, taking the baby out in a pram, bathing him and all sorts; she just refused to do nappies. apparently she wants to be known to the child as 'nanty' -some kind of scottish thing. by the end of her stay however she admitted to feeling a little bored of the whole thing. apparently in scotland the god parents don't have to swear to defend the child against satan, or even to bring it up with christianity, in fact they don't speak as part of the ceremony at all; instead they are supposed to bring the child up with their morals. their own morals. um, yeah i think that could be arranged... during the actual ceremony, amongst all the pomp and nonsense of the church, hostess elisabeth whispered to the baby "it's alright, you've always got science; and that's real".

the nephew has also been the recipient of some of the most sinister and strange knitted gifts, courtesy of hostess elisabeth:

they might not look it here but they're both e n o r m o u s too. the clown even made it onto the homemade 'thank you for your christening present' cards which went out to all and sundry, along with his name, pogo. "pogo and i had a wonderful day" it reads. no, no one has spotted the inappropriateness of this.

is it wrong of me to connect this page with this page and think that somewhere some very v e r y questionable people are having a whale of a time?

croissants: mmmm tasty islamophobia...?

this really shouldn't be as funny as it is... but it really is. a question: is virtual slapstick the future of comedy?

told by fellowstudentlydia of an interesting sounding surrealist event at the v&a, a self-titled 'surrealist ball' no less, we threw on our rags of gladness and along we duly popped. but my word was it fucking rubbish. performers did their thing on a high balcony too far away and too elevated for the audience to really see anything at all. and the imbecilic compère , whose name i (deliberately?) fail to recall, thought it was surreal to try and get the audience to shout the word 'lobster' on cue. what an almighty arse-fest. these people think that surrealism is that easy. that... superficial. fucking morons. still, the salmon en croute was nice. o, and hostess elisabeth picked up something called 'jewellry for wounds' by simone nolden. the most surreal moment of the whole evening was when a woman asked to take a photograph of hostess elisabeth's seamed stockings. um...

what makes me laugh can be so juvenile at times. still, at least we know what to get the venerable gude for a get well soon present.

how bad can university be? #824:
how bad can university be when i've now got something like four months off?

a much more successful recommendation from fellowstudentlydia, hostess elisabeth and myself took a trip out to attend lucha britannia, and a very odd but enormously satisfying night of silliness it was too. set in what the m.c. described as 'the retro future-verse', the bouts were played out as some kind of revolutionary act against the oppressive regime of the 'yankie bosh' -a satirical expansion of the world we find ourselves in today, where luchadors fight for the very future of the human race. this pleasinglyhokey sc-fi conceit lends the proceedings a nice twist and serves to get the audience booing and cheering for their favourite. like a many other there that night, i chose to wear my mexican wrestler mask for the duration (replete with red sequins); yes it was uncomfortable as hell itself and yes it looked great! in the ensuing battles that night leon britannico ('the british lion') was beaten by ultimo perversio ('sex pest'); which, rousing my rabidly anti-patriotic tendencies, seemed only fitting. go, see, join in.

on a recent balmy thursday i spent an hour or so sitting in an enfield park smoking cigarette after cigarette. rather unconvincingly. both horrible and s t u p id, for a non-smoker. roll on july 1st. and more of this kind of thing.

my hair is beginning to go all 'flock of seagulls' and must be destroyed. travis bickle beckons (try saying that ten times fast).

this last weekend the estimable mr. liles asked to borrow my p.a. system for his in-store gig-ette at rough trade, covent garden. ably assisted by the great and fabulous talents of one mr. ernesto tomasini, a jolly good time was had by all. see footage of the event here.

later that night liles had been asked to join über krautrock legends faust at corsica studios, elephant and castle. and an amazing gig did ensue. the perfect mixture of noise, experimentation, avant garde lunacy and pure all-out rock and roll. great sound. oodles of grinding repetition. amazing gig. the concert ended with the band lighting smoke effects at the front of the stage, which quickly engulfed the tiny room in a thick, acrid cloud, causing everyone but lead singer jean-hervé, to run screaming and choking for the exits as if the building were on fire. extremely dangerous yes but a great finale.

picture the scene. approx. 7:30 the morning after faust. the front door buzzer goes off. hostess elisabeth leaps awake, gets her feet tangled in the sheets and promptly falls flat on her face to the floor. which woke me up. luckily we weren't in the higher iron bed next door (because the liles' were staying) which could have been much worse. as it was hostess elisabeth's lower lip was bruised and somewhat 'bee-stung' for a few days. and the buzzer? the buzzer was the postman with hostess elisabeth's new 'edwardian style parasol', bought for glastonbury... but then that's for another entry...

recommended: (audio) faust live / (comestible) marks & spencer 'zesty lemon cheesecake' / (visual) luchadors in bethnal green! / (sensorial) the feeling of relief generated by the turning off the dvd of the shitty remake of 'the omen' after only half an hour because, frankly, life's too fucking short

reviled: (audio) "lobster!" / (comestible) 'tommy k' ketchup / (visual) piss-poor 'surrealism' at the v&a / (sensorial) smoking in enfield

and finally, what is it with people and their fucking mobile phones? :

"two drown trying to save their cell phones in separate incidents

associated press
jun. 7, 2007 06:14 am

durham, n.c. - a teenager drowned after jumping into a lake to get a cell phone he dropped during a fishing trip.

the teen, eddie allen, 16, of durham, was fishing wednesday in falls lake with garrick mccollum, 24. mccollum jumped in after allen and started struggling. another fisherman helped mccollum, but couldn't help allen.

witnesses said allen tried to climb a concrete embankment at the fishing area but couldn't get out because it was slick with algae.

wake county sheriff donnie harrison said he believes the drowning was accidental.

also wednesday, a 41-year-old man drowned in sheboygan, wis., after getting stuck in a storm sewer trying to retrieve a cell phone, police said.

the man weighed more that 300 pounds and was wedged with his head and shoulders underwater in a vertical storm drain in front of his home, said police lt. tim eirich.

neighbor chris van erem said he saw the man kneeling over the sewer before he fell in. police said the man pulled the iron gate off trying to get the cell phone.

then, a child from the neighborhood ran toward van erem frantically. van erem said he then saw the man's feet sticking up out of the grate.

"i ran over and tried to pull him on out," van erem said. "absolutely helpless was the feeling..."

 

-just a side note, why is this man talking like yoda?

 

"...i couldn't budge him."

van erem had the child call 911 as he continued to try to free the man.

"i could see his head and his shoulders were completely under the water," he said. "his legs weren't moving. he was completely unresponsive."

van erem said it ultimately took six firefighters to pull the man from the sewer. sheboygan county coroner david leffin ruled the man's death as an accidental drowning.

the man's cell phone was later found at the bottom of the sewer, police said."

- www.azcentral.com